Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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