it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
please don't ironically join a cult
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