Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
