New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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