Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
