i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We're too hungover to prance.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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