Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
