Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
