we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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