i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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