he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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