but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
