I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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