I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
