Jerry, you need to find god
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
whose parrot is this?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
