they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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