You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
