Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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