I wish my penis had an off switch
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
