The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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