Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
