so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
