I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
