I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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