Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
