I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
