Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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