Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
