I just threw up on my dentist
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
