Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
