Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
