Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
