I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
