Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
