Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
