I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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