She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
