I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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