Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
