my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
