I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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