Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
