You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
