Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
