She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
