Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
