just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
