this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
