i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
