I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
